


cognitive dissonance

by excitedbutexhausted



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, D/s, Dani Powell is Bisexual, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Light D/s, Malcolm Bright Needs a Hug, Malcolm Bright is Bisexual, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Whump, uhh there's for sure more but I can't think of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:20:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23137576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excitedbutexhausted/pseuds/excitedbutexhausted
Summary: ((POSTED BEFORE 1x16, BASED ON 1x16 PROMO))Seeing Vijay and his team in the same room felt… wrong. It was like cognitive dissonance, akin to the first time a child sees their teacher outside of school. These were two parts of his life he’d never thought would touch, and suddenly they were standing there, face to face.Bright was used to being on the verge of panic, and this was no different. Even after Vijay left the room to call his boss, Bright’s heart continued to race, and his hands shook from more than just a tremor. He just prayed no one would notice how his behavior had shifted the minute Vijay stepped in the room. Malcolm tried to focus on the task at hand, and immerse himself in his work. He closed his eyes in an attempt to calm his nerves and focus on the dead woman in front of him. But it was no use.
Relationships: Malcolm Bright/Dani Powell
Comments: 12
Kudos: 64





	cognitive dissonance

Seeing Vijay and his team in the same room felt… wrong. It was like cognitive dissonance, akin to the first time a child sees their teacher outside of school. These were two parts of his life he’d never thought would touch, and suddenly they were standing there, face to face.

Bright was used to being on the verge of panic, and this was no different. Even after Vijay left the room to call his boss, Bright’s heart continued to race, and his hands shook from more than just a tremor. He just prayed no one would notice how his behavior had shifted the minute Vijay stepped in the room. Malcolm tried to focus on the task at hand, and immerse himself in his work. He closed his eyes in an attempt to calm his nerves and focus on the dead woman in front of him. But it was no use.

“Bright, you okay?” JT’s voice cut through his anxiety. Malcolm snapped his eyes open to see everyone looking at him with concern etched on their faces. A quick glance down confirmed that his hands were shaking violently now.

“Never better!” Bright responded with a shaky smile. “I’m just gonna… bathroom.” He gestured vaguely to the hallway nearest them, then practically bolted away from the group, towards whatever privacy he could get at the end of that hallway.

He wound up in an empty display room, dark and pristine. The perfect place to wait until his mind stopped racing. Malcolm sat down heavily on the floor, drawing his knees up to his chest as he tried to count his breathing. In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four. He couldn’t guess how long he’d been there, counting and shaking, when Dani walked into the room and spotted him hiding in the corner.

“Bright,” Her voice was cautious, the tone everyone used around him when he was on the verge of losing it. “What’s going on? Is everything ok?”

He squinted up at her, the light from the hallway hiding her face. “Not… really…,” He panted out. “Panic attack.” He rested his hand on his heart, felt it racing under his fingertips and grimaced. “Left my Xanax… at home.”

Dani cursed, and squatted down beside him. “Shit. Do you need to go? I’m sure Gil won’t mind, you’ve already seen most of the scene.”

Any other day, Malcolm would have protested, claimed his was fine, then splashed some water on his face and stumbled through the rest of the day. But he could just tell, this one wasn’t going away without medication. His shoulders were starting to tense, and he was actively trying to avoid grinding his teeth together (his dentist hated him). His hands were still shaking, and had gone cold. He was too far gone to shrug this one off. All he wanted was to go home and hide under his weighted blanket while he waited for the Xanax to kick in.

“I, uh,… yeah, I gotta get out of here.” Malcolm could feel the surprise at his answer radiating off of Dani. “Um, yeah, sure, let me just clear it with Gil… are you good to be alone ’til I get back?” Malcolm nodded shakily.

“Yeah, no rush, it’s all… all fine.” Dani reached out and touched his shoulder, before quickly removing it. She rushed out of the room before she had to acknowledge her spontaneous moment of physical affection. She was only gone for maybe two or three minutes, but to Malcolm it felt like a lifetime. His heart wouldn’t stop pounding, and he couldn't shake the irrational fear that he was dying.

~~XXXXX~~

“Really, you didn’t have to take me home, I’m seriously fine. I could’ve called a cab!” Malcolm called to Dani from the safety of his couch. The Xanax hadn’t taken effect yet, but even just knowing that he’d soon be blanketed in the fog of medication helped his panic subside slightly. Now that he was feeling slightly closer to normal, the embarrassment was starting to set in. It certainly wasn’t the first time he’d had a panic attack in front of other people, hell, it wasn’t even the first time he’d had a panic attack in front of the team.

But this time it wasn't repressed memories or serial killers or daddy issues… it was personal. Seeing Vijay there… those were two parts of his life that were never supposed to interact, and seeing them there in the same room was terrifying.

“Malcolm, seriously, it’s ok,” She said from the kitchen. “Do you have any food at all here?”

Malcolm grimaced over his shoulder at her. “Just some takeout menus by the toaster.” He heard her sigh heavily. She walked over to the couch with the menus in hand, and sat on the couch beside him.

“Gil told me not to leave until I got some food in you, so…” Dani pushed the papers into his hands. “Find something you want in there.” Malcolm dropped the menus to his lap.

“I don’t have an appetite,” He said. “Never do after a panic attack.” He felt her still beside him when he mentioned the episode she’d witnessed earlier.

They sat in silence for a moment, the menus forgotten between him. “Do you… wanna talk about it?” Dani asked tentatively.

Malcolm sighed, and continued to stare at his knees. “It’s kinda… a long story.” He couldn’t believe he was seriously considering telling Dani, but he couldn’t shake the need to get the thoughts out of his head, to say it out loud in the hopes that dispelling the words would dispel the feelings, too. But at the same time… did he want Dani to know? Did he trust her with that?

_Of course I do._ He trusted her. No question about that, but…. Wanting her to know was different. This was something entirely different, something he’d never shared with anyone. It was so painfully personal, something that he hadn’t come to terms with himself, even with the help of therapy.

“Well, if you wanna tell me, I’m all ears. But I get it if you don’t.” Dani said, shifting on the couch to face him.

Malcolm pushed the weighted blanket off and mirrored her movements. “Okay, but it’s… A lot, even for me.”

She scoffed a little before realizing he was serious. “Malcolm. I’ve talked to your serial killer father, I’ve seen you tripping off your ass, and this is not the first time I’ve seen you panic… whatever it is, I can handle it.”

Malcolm shook his head and stared down at the space between them. “Yeah, but this is different. It’s more,… personal.” He paused, unable to look up and gauge her reaction to his words. After a deep breath, he continued. “I met Vijay in college. We were taking a psych class together, and he was one of the only people who were willing to talk to me about anything more than my father and how it had scarred me mentally.” He rolled his eyes. “Everyone wanted to be friends with the serial killer’s kid, but no one wanted to talk about anything else. But Vijay was different.”

His heart was still pounding, but slowed to a slightly more acceptable speed. _Deep breaths_. “Right around when Vijay and I became close, my doctors wanted to start weaning me off of some of my more intense meds. They were worried I was becoming dependent on them in an unhealthy way, and honestly, they weren’t entirely wrong.” Malcolm let out a self-deprecating laugh, then sighed. Delving into memories, whether of his father or the more unstable moments of his mental health were not fun. “It was awful, like pulling teeth. I couldn’t handle the changes, I’d been on those medications for so long, I was sure I couldn’t function without them."

“I had also become obsessed with my dad’s mental health. I was constantly curious what made him so sadistic, if he was capable of love, and what parts of his psyche urged him to commit which parts of his crimes. I researched all types of sadism in an attempt to understand him, and while doing so, I came to learn a lot about masochism.” Bright sighed and clenche his hands together in an attempt to hide the shaking. “There were tons of reports of how masochists can find relief by submitting to sadists… and I ended up kinda stumbling into BDSM.” He risked a look at Dani, but her face was neutral. She motioned for him to continue. 

“It all really started when I went by Vijay’s to study one day…”

_After knocking on the door three times with no answer, Malcolm tried the doorknob. It was open. He figured Vijay just fell asleep, or got wrapped up in another work and didn’t hear his knock._

_Malcolm pushed the door open a few inches to be met with the sight of Vijay standing over another man. For a moment, Malcolm’s brain couldn’t comprehend the sight in front of him._

_Once his brain caught up, he realized Vijay was beating the man on the bed. But it wasn’t abuse, it was… Tender. Almost loving. And certainly erotic. Malcolm never considered himself a voyeur, but it took more than a few moments for him to tear his eyes away and close the door. As he hurried back to his dorm, he wondered what it was like… the man on the bed had looked at peace. His face was clear, eyes closed and mouth hanging open as he moaned with each strike of the cane Vijay had been wielding._

_A shiver went through Malcolm when he thought of that cane. He thought back to his research, the stories he’d heard about submissives who had found freedom in subspace, the way it cleared their minds and put their worries at ease for a least a few hours._

_…_ I guess it’s worth a shot. _Malcolm thought to himself._

“After that, I… propositioned Vijay. I could tell from his reactions that he was interested. Besides, I’d known from the moment I met him that he was attracted to me. I hadn’t acted on it, mostly because he was one of the only friends I had and I didn’t want to ruin it… but it felt worth it, with my newfound... interests coming to light. I was willing to take the risk, if it meant getting the peace the man I had seen on the bed had.” His hands began to shake again, with this new side of him open and vulnerable for Dani to see. “It wasn’t meant to be a long-term thing. Honestly, it wasn’t even supposed to be sexual. But once we started, I was hooked.” Malcolm ran a shaking hand through his hair. “I suddenly understood. The endorphin high, it was… beyond comprehension. I didn’t understand why, but for once, I didn’t care. Because it worked. It was the only time I felt ok- when I was in pain. Without the meds, the hardcore ones, I felt like I needed it to stay sane.”

“Vijay didn’t totally get it, he couldn’t understand why I needed it. I could tell he liked it, but it was different for him- more of a fun hobby… but it was a need for me. We were never more than friends, just normal bros who had kinky sex on the regular.” He huffed a laugh under his breath. “It was the most sane I’d felt in years. I finally thought I’d found someone who wasn’t scared of me and all my baggage, someone who wanted me for more than just my dad.”

“But then it all went to shit. I -” Malcolm’s voice broke, and he paused. “Let me just-“ He stood up un unsure feet and went to the refrigerator. He came back with a bottle of water, which he took a sip from, then clasped between his hands like it kept him anchored to the present. The silence became unbearable, and finally Dani broke it.

“Malcolm, if you don’t wanna talk about it-“

He shook his head. “No, I can, I want to, just gimme a sec.” He paused and shook his head, as if that would help order his chaotic thoughts. “We were having a normal session- that’s what we called it. It wasn’t any different from the ones we’d been doing for nearly a year, so I don’t know why… Anyways, I had a flashback. It was… bad.” He gave Dani a self-deprecating smile. “Like that time I had the night terror at the precinct. Just imagine that, except you’re literally tied up and in the middle of sex with a casual partner who definitely doesn’t understand the depth of your trauma.”

“Vijay freaked out. He untied me, obviously, but he didn’t know what else to do. I was crying and shaking… it even scared me. Honestly, I don’t really blame him but… he just left. I looked up after a couple minutes and I was alone.”

“Malcolm…” Dani’s voice was full of sadness.

“It’s not his fault,” Malcolm interrupted. “I had short-sightedly assumed that, since none of my trauma is sexual, that I wouldn’t have any problems with PTSD during our sessions. I should’ve known, should’ve warned him…” Malcolm cleared his throat and took another sip from the water bottle. “Anyways, that was about two months before graduation, so it was just… never resolved. We graduated. And I tried to move on. But ever since then, I haven’t trusted anyone like that because… I mean, c’mon. I ruined our friendship, all because I didn’t understand my own trauma. I couldn’t submit to someone in good conscience, knowing that there are landmines all over my psyche.”

There was a brief pause, then Dani’s voice shocked him out of his melancholic headspace. “That’s bullshit, Bright. Vijay knew what he was doing, you were both consenting adults, and he should’ve known and understood the risks of subdrop. That’s the Dom’s job, is to understand and take care of the submissive, no matter what.” She trailed off to see Malcolm looking at her with wide eyes and a surprised look on his face. She flushed slightly. “You know, other people are allowed to have secrets too… Maybe you’re not as alone in your experiences as you think.”

The conversation lulled again as Malcolm tried to process the information he’d just learned and Dani tried to cull her inopportune blush.

“Look, I usually don’t talk about it, but since we’re having story time… I had a pretty _unorthodox_ relationship with an ex-girlfriend a few years back. She had a lot of issues, she’d been assaulted when she was twelve, so there were lots of triggers to avoid. And yeah, she had some serious moments of subdrop... but even when I never knew what to do, I never just _ran out and left her alone!_ ” The indignation was clear in her voice. “That’s traumatizing in and of itself! Part of a Domme’s role is to make sure their submissive is okay, I just can’t imagine what kind of idiot would do something like that…'' She met Malcolm’s gaze. “Sorry, I know you guys were friends, but that’s just… really bad BDSM etiquette.”

Malcolm looked back at his hands. “I always felt kind of crazy for what Vijay and I did, for liking it as much as I did. And when I saw him today, it just… it all came back. I was back there, tied up and hallucinating. I didn’t know what to say to Vijay, I just never thought I’d have to see him again… Thank you, for telling me that.” He grazed one of his shaking hands over hers. “You make me feel sane.”

Dani smiled gently. “That’s what friends are for.” She rested her hand on Malcolm’s knee for a moment, squeezing it gently before releasing it as she stood. “Now, get to those menus. I’m only leaving once you’ve eaten a real meal.” She smirked at him as she spoke, her tone only half-joking.

“That’s an order.”

**Author's Note:**

> I may post a (possibly sexy?) part 2 of this, if anyone would be interested in this storyline continuing :)
> 
> This is my first time posting in aaaages so please be nice!


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